This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Message For Transfers

Dear Incoming Transfers,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Wesleyan University! Transfers are a unique segment of the Wesleyan population notable for being unmemorable, unimportant and largely ignored. But never fear! Exciting opportunities await you.

Among the many housing options for you are halls such as Nicolson 5.86, known by hard-working custodians as the “Janitor’s Closet.” Or, to prepare you for a more independent lifestyle, you might enjoy living in Butterfields Q, a BYOB dorm (Bring Your Own Bed/desk/everything). We’d recommend furnishing your room via Waste Not, an event featuring used, discarded, and unwanted goods (you’ll feel right at home).

Feeling hungry? Then you’ll want to head on over to the Transfer Trough, just outside of Usdan (where the real Wesleyan students eat). Are you vegetarian? A meat lover? Well, your gruel will have a little bit of everything! Here at Wesleyan, we firmly believe in a liberal arts education where YOU choose your own path. Transfers have the options of shadowing real students or participating in medical experiments faculty research. Upperclassmen have already registered for their courses, but there are open seats in exciting classes such as “17th Century Penmanship,” “Sinbad,” and “Understanding Nutrition: Making My Lunch” (in which you will prepare me delicious sandwiches daily). The drop-add period lasts a full week, during which you’ll be able to continue to give up/run away, just like you did last year.

You all should have received your orientation packet by now. Please note that transfers are required to fill out all health forms and provide a blood sample, proving that you do not have a grievous blood-borne aliment. We need that blood. Also included is the scarlet “T” you must wear at all times on campus. Finally, we included a little treat: earlier this month, one of the “Class of 2014” mugs fell and shattered—we’ve sent you each a shard.

The year ahead is full of exciting opportunities—not for you so much, but you’ll see others enjoying themselves, and you’re more than welcome to observe them from the allotted Transfer section of Foss Hill. I know there is a lot to take in, but with an open mind and low expectations, you might not fuck up again.


Milton Penis
Dean of Transfers and Assistant Exterminator