This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Health Center: Testicle Pain "A Problem"

This morning, Wesleyan Health Center officials released a report concerning the mysterious disease that struck many people on move-in day. The ailment spread rapidly from the fields to the dorms, jumping from victim to victim with startling speed.

“Not much is known about Balltothighitis,” said Joyce Walter, the director of the Health Center. “I don’t fully understand it, but as far as I know there’s no cure yet.”

According to the report, the disease seems to manifest only in males and is typified by a sudden, highly uncomfortable fusion of the scrotum to the upper thigh. “Imagine testicular torsion crossed with straddling a pommel-horse coated in glass shards and angry she-hornets,” said NYU epidemiologist Gregor Nutte. “It really sucks.”

Secondary symptoms include swelling, stickiness, and bilateral thigh chafe. The symptoms come and go seemingly at will; one student complained that he thought his symptoms had gone away late on Wednesday evening, only to have them return suddenly on Thursday afternoon.

“I was walking up Foss Hill with my new friends Jenna and Emily,” the student said, “when it hit me for the second time. I’m not gonna lie: I had trouble walking, and it was embarrassing. I mean, Jenna and Emily just had no idea what I was going through at that moment.”

Other boys who caught the disease did not escape with just embarrassment. At least two move-in volunteers were so surprised by the symptoms that they dropped what they were carrying and broke their pinky toes.

“It’s a real problem,” said Walter. “The only potential cause I can find for this epidemic is the heat and humidity. Since Hurricane Earl came through, there’s been an appreciable decrease in the number of boys coming to the Center.”