This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/14/10

Happy Booty-Call Tuesday

At a recent student referendum, members of the Wesleyan community voiced concern that a rift is growing between groups of students with different interests and lifestyles. Hoping to remedy the alleged divide, the Office of Student Activities has announced a fun new weeknight activity to smooth the way for Wednesday’s “Bar Night” and Thirsty Thursday.

On the tentatively titled “Wacky Booty-Call Tuesday,” the office encourages students to choose another student from a radically different circle of friends with whom to flirtext, sext, and eventually perform a “wacky booty call.” Mark Romberg from OSA says the first two Tuesdays of this event have been a resounding success.

“I can’t describe to you the joy I felt when I saw a young flexual woman early this morning, stumbling home to Open House from Fauver, her flannel barely buttoned,” he said. “Already I feel the sense of community here has gotten much stronger. The amount of people wearing those big black-framed glasses at the football game last week was simply remarkable!”

Others do not feel such strong attachment to the new theme-night. Chaz Birmingham, deputy captain of the baseball team, found the differences between him and his new Tuesday Friend impossible to get past.

“What really got to me was that she wanted to play dubstep while we were hooking up. I mean, Marvin Gaye I can deal with. I can even get my groove on to electroclash. But I draw the line at dubstep. I mean, a man hasta have a little dignity.”

“Personally, I don’t like it,” said Thaddeus Schwartz, an Eclectic resident. “Call me weird, but it’s just too easy to remove running shorts, t-shirts, and sports bras. I just mastered the art of speedily undoing a belted romper and now I feel like I’m back in the little leagues.”