This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


What if Wesleyan Never Quantified the Calorie?

There are still many things about the human body that we don’t understand, such as why the duodenum is so sexy, or why white people dance a little worse. But the most pressing question for scientists these days is, What is with all this fat on our bodies and how can we make it go away?

“Someone told me that bread is bad to eat and fat is good,” said a confused Kelly Gambol ’14. “So I’ve been buying sticks of butter and eating them continuously. But I still weigh too much. If all food is food, why does some food make me fatter?”

“Unfortunately, we have no answers for Kelly,” said Dr. Ken Flashfen, head of the National Alchemical Nutrition Council. “We think eating makes people bigger, but the process is a mystery.”

In the meantime, scientists advise Americans to purchase anti-fat amulets from roving tinkers. “Sometimes a good amulet will be able to see into the heart of food and tell you whether it’s fat-making,” said Dr. Flashfen. “Sometimes not.”