This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Wesleyan Film Mafia Terrorizes Stars

“They forced us out of our seats,” sobbed Greg Kinnear at an Oscars after-party. “The women all
wore brass knuckles, and Joss Whedon was directing them to do leaping high 
kicks. I think [Michael] Bay must have been the one who put a C4 explosive in my satchel. 
He always overdoes the pyrotechnics.”

This year’s Oscars festivities were marred by the aggressive posturing of the Wesleyan Film 
Mafia, a term that causes even the most wealthy and successful of stars to shiver in fear.

“Don’t say that too loud,” whispered a stern Viggo Mortenson. “They have people 
everywhere. It isn’t safe.”

“Ethels better learn to walk the walk,” said a cigar-chewing Matthew Weiner of Mad 
Men. “This town’s tough and if a few bimbos get whacked don’t go crying to the coppers. 
Lay off the heavy sugar or take a hike, see.”

The posse makes up for its small numbers with extra doses of bellicosity and Frank Capra 
fetishism. Weiner is its reputed masterminds; Whedon and Bay run its military operations.  
An anonymous source warned that for every show cancellation Whedon suffers, he gets 
“more and more bloodthirsty.”

“Watch out for Carter and Bays,” warned a Broadway/How I Met Your Mother star.
“If you can only see one of them, you know the other is about to attack. I’m under 
contract to provide them with autographed Doogie Howser DVDs every week for the rest of my life.”

Younger Wesleyan graduates who preferred to remain anonymous intimated at confidential 
initiation ceremonies in which they were forced to hunt and tag Tisch Film students for 
sport. “They took me into the Adirondacks and left me there naked, slathered in chicken 
broth, with only a lantern and hiking boots,” said one ’09 alumna. “I wanted to write 
sitcoms. They said this was the only way.”

The organization operates out of many shadowy New York City sets and foreclosed studio trailers, but “it all leads back to Jeanine,” explained FBI Organized Crime chief Pete Lawson. “She’s the Queenpin. If we could only nail her, we could bring it all down… but she’s untouchable, because it’s really hard to make her office hours.” Maybe one day a new small liberal-arts school will shove their way to the top; there are already mentions