This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


This Year’s Ceremony: Bigger & Ballsier Than Ever

To combat the inexplicable lack of people who care about Hollywood’s annual gigantic back-patting session, the Academy has devised a few ways to “spice up” the show. Here are just a few of these “presovations.”

— Every third award will be fired from a t-shirt cannon to the winner’s seat. Every audience member will be issued a golden helmet, which they must don when the “Cannon Crew” take the stage.
 — Every actor or actress who wins an Oscar will, upon receiving the award but before delivering their acceptance speech, have the time and means of their death whispered into their ear by Helen Mirren.
— All Oscar statuettes will be hollowed out and filled with plastic explosives. If an acceptance speech goes over the allotted time, the host will detonate all awards already distributed.
— Mud and/or Jello Wrestling to determine the winners of all awards dealing with effects, costumes, and makeup.
— Some of the winners will be presented with a small piece of paper with a clue written on it, sending them on a continent-spanning search that must be completed in three days, or the Oscar will be detonated.
— For the duration of the show, the host will ride a leopard.