This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Orlando Bloom Is Illiterate

A pall fell over the sunny pre-festivities of this year’s Oscars after director James Cameron publicly outed Orlando Bloom as an illiterate.

Bloom, Cameron alleges, is unable to read even the simplest English. The 35-year-old English Adonis relies heavily on prompters who feed him lines phonetically and is unable to recognize most letters of the alphabet.

Cameron says he chose to reveal Bloom’s crippling secret because the angelic thespian spurned his advances.

“I’m not going to hide it for him anymore,” Cameron said. “Orlando can’t even write his own name. He is a dolt, a simpleton. That beautiful, beautiful man has the vocabulary of a ten-year-old, and he broke my heart.”

Fans nationwide are shocked and aggrieved to learn that Bloom — the ageless elven androgyne; the roguish, soft-spoken swashbuckler; Helen’s bronzed, smooth-skinned seducer — had deceived them.

“He used to be a role model,” said Eli Meixler ’13, tears welling in his eyes, “but now he can’t even read!” Wracked by sobs, Meixler raised his trembling fists to the pitiless Connecticut sky. “If thou beest he; But O how fall’n!”

Bloom’s camp have dismissed the accusation as malicious and patently false. His publicist has released a written statement from Bloom, meant to quell suspicions.

“sens [sic] wen i am yung,” Bloom’s defense reads, “i red alot of books even wit h word longr then 5 lettrs. awlays i rummemmer kno my lines. i can reed i can reed i can reed i can reed.”

Bloom was unavailable for further comment.