This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Secret of the Bibliophilic Professor

Previously, our hero had discovered the body of Professor Thompson, who clutched in his corpsey hands a note scrawled in blood directing our hero to Olin. Now our protagonist finds ze-self in a race against time to recover Thompson’s research!

After discreetly but forcefully indicating to the fornicating duos positioned in the third-floor stacks that I had business to conduct, I set about studying the floorboards. After much poking and prodding, I at last found my prize: a loose board which, upon being pried out, revealed a manila folder. The Professor’s Research!

“I vill be taking zat.” I spun to find myself face to face with none other than the dastardly Commissar Zurm, Luger pistol in hand!*

“I vas the vun who commissioned ze Doktorr’s research on ze properties of turning babies into gold, so kindly hand ovah vhat ist rightfully mein!”

“Alright Zurm, I’ll—Holy shit! The Krampus!” (figs.1 & 2) Zurm spun to where I was pointing at the window behind him, his Teutonic brow writhing in fear. I took my chance and flung myself forward, propelling both of us through the glass and onto a reading table. I grabbed a shocked student’s water bottle and flung the contents into Zurm’s face — the hidden vodka I knew to expect blinded his eyes.

As the foul Commissar shrieked and clutched at his face, I darted off, the research tucked into my coat, only to find myself face to face with Latika, the lascivious leader of the Lapadap Cult, sitting astride her lion steed, Bumpus!**

“The Holy Child must be turned to gold for the prophecy to be fulfilled!” she shrieked, as Bumpus lunged for my throat!

To Be Continued!!!!!!

*(See Volume 12, “The She-Monsters of Bali.”)

**(See Volume 13, “Legend of the Cat’s Crystal: Return of The She-Monsters of Bali.”)