This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Entire Student Body Temporarily Sexiled From Olin

The Olin Library door handle donned a highly symbolic sock late Thursday afternoon. By 5 p.m. — prime stress relief time for distracted studiers Ben Cox-Smith ’13 and Amy Johnson ’14 — the locked doors and drawn curtains offered clear signals to students that they had been sexiled from the library.

Johnson and Cox-Smith met up at approximately 4:23 pm on Floor 2A, when Johnson knowingly commented that Cox-Smith’s copy of Judith Butler’s Kierkegaard’s Speculative Despair in The Age of German Idealism “looks kinda rough.” 

As the two were getting hot and heavy and presumably kind of dusty beside a stack of nineteenth-century Russian short fiction (N-P), scores of Olin regulars turned away from the entrance, frustrated.

“I mean, like, good for him,” commented a frustrated sophomore. “But he could have texted us. Bro-code, dawg.”

A pack of thesis writers anxiously milled around Weshop waiting for the couple to exit. “I really need my computer charger,” complained Matt Timmons ’12 as he slid a hastily written note under the front door. “If that fucker splooges on it….”

Dozens of students took refuge across the street in SciLi as Olin remained abandoned save for Johnson, Cox-Smith, and an admissions tour group unable to open the padlocked main doors as the couple’s shrieks of passion quickly escalated.