This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Snackademics: Cooking with Wesleyan Professors

Gary’s Practical Kitchen
Cooking with esteemed medievalist Gary Shaw

I like to make this one right when I wake up so that I can munch on it all day. I even take some to the gym in a Ziploc!

TO STEWE STEKES OF MUTTON: Take funges, & pare hem clene and dyce hem. Take leke, & shred hym small & do hym to seeth in gode broth. Color it with safron, & do there-inne powder-fort. Take a legge of mutton and cot it in small slices, & put it in a chafer, & put therto a pottell of ale, & scome it cleane then putte therto seven or eyghte onions thyn slyced, & after they have boyled one hour, putte therto a dyshe of swete butter, & so lette them boyle tyll they be tender, and then put therto a lyttel peper and salte. Tak cheryes & do out the stones & grynde hem wel & draw hem thorw a streynour & do it in a pot. & do therto whit gres or swete botere & myed wastel bred, & cast therto good wyn & sugre, & salte it & stere it wel togedere, & dresse it in disches; and set theryn clowe gilofre, & strewe sugre aboue.*

*Medieval people would only have eaten this well on a Saint’s Day!

I Am Sitting In A Kitchen
Cooking with Alvin Lucier

I call this recipe “Pasta of Indeterminacy.” Does anybody know why this recipe would be called “Pasta of Indeterminacy”? Well, you would have to know a little bit about the history of this recipe. Back in 1963, I was eating grilled flounder sandwiches with my dear friend John Cage when John turned to me and said, “Alvin, what do you say we submerge a box of pasta upside down in a pool of rapeseed oil filled with floating koala bears and then record the vibrations that ensue and play the tape backwards in unison with Beethoven’s Fifth?” and I said, “Why, John, that is a wonderful idea.” Isn’t that marvelous? It sounded just marvelous. Let me tell you a story about “Pasta of Indeterminacy.” Robert Ashley cooked “Pasta of Indeterminacy” for the first time in 1967 for his wife Pamela during her second pregnancy: he simply left a box of pasta uncooked on the counter and subjected it to chance operations. He called it “prepared pasta.” Do you know what he did then? He then placed weather stripping, pennies, bolts, wood, rubber, and slit bamboo to change the sound of spicy Newman’s tomato sauce. What a lovely idea! In my recipe, the cook is surrounded by a large number of kitchen utensils which are represented by a circular score and comprise a fruitful and exciting sound palette. He then sits stationary at the table for four minutes and thirty-three seconds, simply allowing the aleatoric particles of the air to sift in and out of his tonsils at chance. What a marvelous dish.

My Dinner with Jeanine
Cooking with Jeanine Basinger

This is my special meatloaf recipe. I call it Meat Me in St. Louis.
First, take a look at your cooking surface. Are the colors evenly balanced? If not, does this imbalance serve to create tension or suspense? Once you have considered this in terms of function and effect, proceed.
The key ingredient in Meat Me is an extremely rare form of black truffle. There is a two-year waitlist to receive one, but don’t worry, it’s worth it!
Is it two years later? Do you have the 8 1/2 grams of the mushroom? Excellent. Now, dice the truffle and add salt and pepper à la Remy in Ratatouille. Mix ground beef and two bottles of ketchup in a large mixing bowl, being sure to keep your stirring motion on only one side of the bowl so as to not break the 180 degree rule.
High-angle close up on the mixture. Zoom in. If you see any lumps, keep stirring.
Don’t be afraid to experiment; be an auteur! Some of the most acclaimed meatloaves ever made were misunderstood in their time.

Note: this recipe can only be prepared between the hours of 10 am and 2 pm on Wednesdays.

Kitchen Composition No. 65
Cooking with Anthony Braxton