This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Where In The World Has Carmen Sandiego Been All This Time?

Dear World,

HA HA HA! It’s me! Carmen Sandiego! I’m back! Maybe you haven’t heard my name in awhile. Back in the day they were even making video games about me. Shows how much I was getting into your head. Maybe you thought I was just exhausted edutainment material, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve just been keeping a low profile, and now, I’m ready to announce my biggest heist yet: Spitzbergen!

I know what you're thinking: Wow, is Carmen so desperate to steal something she hasn't stolen already that she'll nab an island in the Svalbard archipelago? Well, maybe. I mean, once you've stolen the goddamn Bermuda Triangle, how do you top that?

My plan is brilliant, if you really think about it: Not only do you not know where Spitzbergen is now – because I stole it – but you don't know where it used to be. It's doubly mysterious, and you poor fools are human putty in my hands.

Just try to get it back from me. Think I was hard to find back in the day?I’m impossible now. I don’t leave alliterative, pun-laden trails of verbal clues. I don’t use cartoonish goons anymore. And don’t even try looking for a bright red coat and matching hat. I'm not really sure why I ever though that was a good outfit for a thief to wear.

So in exchange for returning Spitzbergen, I want my own TV show again. I’ve already come up with an idea: “Where in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge is Carmen Sandiego?” I don’t think we’ve done that one yet.


Carmen Sandiego, DDS