This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Sport Event Happens

Last Saturday at some athletic field somewhere on campus, an athletic situation arose, the nature of which there is some controversy about. According to student reports, an athletic team affiliated with the university did something athletic somewhere, which might be a good thing or, at the very least, an athletic thing.

“The University is proud to announce this athletic accomplishment to the entire Wesleyan community, and that we think it is unquestionably athletic in nature,” commented Director of Media Relations David Pezzi. “We think it involves balls or pucks or maybe something else.”

“Go Wes,” Pezzi added, shrugging.

“We’re proud to have sports at Wesleyan, because it shows that we have sports and we’re proud,” concurred Vice President of Student Affairs Mitch Whale. “Also, did anyone else see those weird sticks with the nets at the end?”

Popular New York Times film critic A. O. Scott reportedly witnessed the unidentified athletic event, which he praised for its subtle ambiguity.