This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Star Fencer Reveals Ulterior Motives

Adam Trachtenberg ’12 has long been the heart and soul of Wesleyan’s fencing club. In leading them to victory after many a passionate bout, he finally admitted his true motivation for fencing.

“It’s all about the love,” he said. “Girls just love the way I wield a foil or a 33-inch sabre.”

Girls across campus concurred.

“There’s something so erotic about men in fencing gear,” said Marsha Cooley ’11. “You feel so safe because they can defend you.”

Although they are not as brolic or imposing as actual recruited athletes, the fencers are largely known as the biggest ladykillers on campus.

“You’d assume that they’d be really nice, but if you really think about it, they’re trained to locate your heart and stab it,” said Sarah Mills ’14. “Ten times out of ten, that’s exactly what they’ll do.”

They may not qualify for NCAA Fencing, but it seems that WesFencers joust a mean bout of love.