This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Breast Milk Co-op Runs Dry

In an effort to reduce costs and limit carbon emissions, Bon Appetit has decided to team up with student group Wesuckle to bring a titillating new option to the Usdan dispensaries: organic free range human breast milk.

Wesuckle, run by Tracy McTits ‘13, offers breast milk to students who opt in as an environmentally-friendly alternative to cow milk. In a passionate proposal to Bon Apetit executives, McTits expressed concern over the origins of Wesleyan’s dairy products.

“Cows burp. Cows fart,” McTits wrote. “One cow may release up to 500 liters of methane per day, but I don’t release any because I’m a girl and girls don’t fart.”

Even at Wesleyan, McTits’s progressive sustainability movement has garnered little support among students.

“We want to know where our milk comes from,” complained Larry Taplin ‘12. “But, like, not who it comes from, you know?”

Others are especially distressed by the co-op’s attempt to provide its customers with URLs of corresponding WesBreasts submissions. “I like looking at boobs—not drinking from them!” added another student who preferred to remain anonymous.

McTits stands by her logic. Dairy cows require land, corn feed, and large government subsidies. McTits’s only requests include a designated “Pumping Area” armchair in the Daniel Family commons and a discount at New World Laser Tag on Main St.