This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Beta Embroiled in Biblical Scandal

It’s that time of year again: Beta and the Wesleyan Administration are at odds. No, the members of the fraternity are not seceding. They are building an ark.

The scandal erupted on Sunday when Public Safety Officer Nat Adams responded to a noise complaint regarding Beta. When he arrived on the scene, Officer Adams discovered a partially built wooden boat in the lot behind the building. Several Beta members were hard at work nailing boards to the unfinished hull. Officer Adams confiscated their hammers and reported the incident to the university.

Thaddeus Gleg ’12, the self-proclaimed “Noah-up-in-here,” says that he was told to build the ark by a deity. 

“I was doing a keg stand last year,” Gleg said, “when the keg started talking to me. At first I thought it was just the ’shrooms mixing badly with being suspended upside down, but after a while I thought, ‘Wow, this shit is real!’”

The scandal really took off when Officer Adams investigated further. Incarcerated in the basement were groups of students, among which were two members of Eclectic, two from DKE, a pair of Rebeccas (“That one was easy,” Gleg elaborated. “They were roommates in the Bayit.”) two transsexual students, and two Brown students (“We really didn’t want them,” Gleg said, “but the keg insisted.”). Also present was a small cage containing two black squirrels.

“We realized as we were filling the keg’s quotas that many of these groups won’t be able to reproduce after the apocalypse,” said Moisés Rockwell ’13, “so we’re not really sure what the divine plan is. But, hey, it’s not our job to question the keg.” (Rockwell also wishes to inform Officer Adams that he wants his hammer back.)

Gleg is unsure how President Roth will respond to the exposure of Beta’s activities, but he is unworried.

“The keg was interested in him,” Gleg said, “but since there’s only one of him, the keg said he’ll probably go the way of the unicorns.”