The editors of the Ampersand would like to sincerely apologize for the low-brow humor that has graced the back page of the Argus over the recent months. We hereby pledge to promote only upbeat, “humor-positive” content from this point on.
We want to apologize in particular for the article titled “Cock-Sucking and You: A Freshman’s Guide to Dicklicking”. This sexual manual featuring graphic descriptions of the shaft, taint, scrotum, and anus and how best to manipulate them both orally and with a variety of sexual toys, including something called the “Clinical Tip Flicker,” was simply too extreme.
The Ampersand also seriously regrets the photo that was published in the October 18th issue, in which a completely naked Rupert Murdoch appears to be violating a three-toed sloth with one hand while simultaneously performing an unprintable act with a bowl of macaroni and cheese with the other.
Finally, our sincerest apologies for the video piece known as “A Tub of Whipped Cream, a Broken Ceiling Fan, a Box-Cutter, A Box of Q-tips, Two Cats, and What I’m Going to Do to Them.” Frankly, even we aren’t sure why the police weren’t called as soon as the first cat was discovered.
Again, we wish to apologize profusely for printing such filth and promise to bring you only the finest in clean, fun humor that doesn’t involve sexual, bestial, or shaving cream-related content.