This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Nimrod Levy, Falconer

“Achashverosh, strike!”

The roof of Judd Hall serves as an unlikely perch for campus’s one remaining competitive falconer, Nimrod Levy ’12. Levy’s prize falcon Achashverosh can triangulate the whisker movements of a field mouse from six hundred feet.

Levy is the finest falconer in the NESCAC league, having defeated Coxsackie College, Slippery Rock University, Amherst, and Williams in September and October.

“Achashverosh is my second falcon,” says Levy. “I had to dismiss my other falcon, Hester, when he became embroiled in promiscuities. I knew the whole while that all he wanted to do was find mates. I brushed his feathers every day, and I even took him to the pigeon-man in Meriden when he was sick and he couldn’t fly, and see how he repaid me?”

Falconry is a sport that dates back to the Western European fiefdoms of the late Middle Ages, where the violent pageantry of the
lordly hunt was an archetypal motif in tapestry and poetry.

“Achashverosh is totally the shit,” Levy continues. “He brings me the most squirrels of any falcon I’ve had. Squirrels make a great stew. He knows how to skip out on the mice, because mice only please him, not both of us.”

Levy says he keeps a low social profile at Wesleyan, since he would likely be skinned alive if it were discovered that he has been
secretly cooking squirrel stew in the kosher kitchen. However, between his lonely room in 156 High, his perch, and sexually frustrating Tomb parties, he has begun to express desire for a human mate of his own.

“If any girls just want to, you know, cuddle or whatever, you know where to find me,” says Levy. “I have bird seed.”