Now that exactly 81 percent of the semester has passed and Thanksgiving thrusts itself upon us like a horde of Mongols out of the Far East, it is once again time for serious self-reflection. When a man turns his gaze inward, he knows not what he will find.
As the ageless cedars stand resolute in the face of autumn and winter winds begin to whisper along the Sea of Marmara, we find it appropriate to note a few of our modest achievements.
Thus far, we have:
— Ushered in a renewal of enterprise reporting and rigorous database analysis in campus journalism
— Appointed the first Ampersand Ombudsman (from the Old Norse umbuðsmann)
— Re-popularized basketball jokes
— Given due exposure to crawling and other non-walking lifestyles
— Abstained from the delicate topics of gender identity and sexual orientation
— Refrained from defaming Michael Roth
Seagulls circle the masts of ships and the slim peaks of minarets. The late-day sun draws a world of steam up from the currents of the mighty Bosphorus. A turbaned spice merchant leads a line of chained African eunuchs to the bustling caravansari, through the crooked streets of the Bazaar. The murmur of cloistered women emits from a chink in the wall of a seraglio; they will never leave the harem, their gilded labyrinth of pleasure.
We wish you a safe journey home and a cornucopia of plenty during this harvest season. And let us give thanks for all that is, all that was, and all that will come to pass.
With utmost sincerity,
Your dear friends Piers & Benjamin