On Wednesday, a display of remarkable modesty sent six Drawing I students to the Davison Health Center with complaints of whiplash, and a handful to OBHS with renewed feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. While the unveiling of the class’s nude self-portraits elicited the usual giggles and downward gazes, sophomore Drew Johnson’s charcoal sketch evoked a different response.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“There’s no way it’s that huge!”
“What thoughtful commentary on the effect of mass media on male body image!”
Johnson’s colossal johnson, disproportionally large for his scrawny 5’6” frame, aggravated and astonished members of the class. Hecklers railed the student for his obvious exaggeration, and those who did not shield their eyes or stare intently at their feet insisted that he prove such endowment.
Johnson conceded to the requests, pulling down his pants to reveal an appendage of gargantuan, inhuman, what-the-fuck proportions. Hecklers choked on their claims, others on tears, and the demi-Priapus led the CFA after tucking it back into his sock.
Johnson received a D for “Damn” on the project.