This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


WesLeaks Scandal Shocks Campus, Reveals Nothing

A trove of classified internal North College memos released by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange revealed pervasive corruption at no levels of the Wesleyan administration.

“At first we were pretty pissed about the conidentiality breach,” said a North College oficial. “But Wesleyan has no secrets. The only one who’s going to be in trouble is that albino turd, Ass-ange. Get it? Like ‘ass.’ ”

On Thursday, the leaks were disseminated to the ACB and WestCo listserv, where they met with derision and ironic detachment, respectively. Assange has been “bumming around” campus since early this week in the hope that Wesleyan’s reputedly radical student body will recognize his contributions to apolitical anarchy.

Students, however, seemed unperturbed by the majority of the leaks, alarmed only that Bon Appetit has been substituting tofu for seitan in an effort to cut costs.

“No embezzlement, no problem,” said Helen Ingalls ’12.

“DGAF/talk to the hand,” said Eli Meixler ’13.

Among the documents released was the entire contents of Medievalist Gary Shaw’s hard drive, which comprised a 2006 Chanukkah wishlist and a cell phone photo of the Sutton Hoo mound. Shaw expressed interest in receiving another Anglo-Saxon dictionary and a then-recent Tracy Chapman release.

PSafe has nevertheless issued a red notice for the elusive Australian, who they currently suspect to be taking refuge in the basement of the Beta fraternity house. In a campus-wide email, PSafe Director Large H. Collider cautioned students that the presence of the INTERPOL fugitive has “renewed [their] concern about illegal and unsafe behavior on Beta’s premises,” and encouraged the community to remain vigilant as long as the “palefaced bitchbicycle” is at large.