This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


No Piers Bros. Spring Semester

Students may be dismayed to find that there will be no coffee next semester.

Pierce Brothers, the company that supplies the campus with fair trade coffee, will leave Wesleyan along with kingpin Piers Gelly ’13, who runs the company with his two younger brothers, Bennett, 17, and Clement, 15.

“Even though I’m really busy with my homework and robotics club, I still find time to help my brothers produce delicious, ethically harvested coffee,” said brother Clement, who is currently a sophomore at the American School in London.

Piers and his brothers began their foray into fair trade coffee production at the respective ages of 12, 10, and 8. On an ecotour of Borneo with their parents, the Gellys were inspired by the warmth and vivacity of the local coffee growers.

“It was really inspiring to see how they made their coffee with love,” said Bennett, who is the power forward of his high school’s basketball team. “After that trip, I could never really look at Starbucks the same way.”

Since becoming disillusioned with traditional coffee offerings, the Piers brothers have provided a wide range of all-natural brews, including the Twix Latte, the Chai Charger, and the Salty Ivan.

“Ivan was a coffee picker we met in Ecuador,” said Piers, who does not drink coffee. “Ivan was salty, but he was a really sweet guy.” Piers chortled as he recalled the irst time Ivan showed him and his brothers the proper bean-crushing technique in the Jipijapa area, ManabĂ­ province. “We really learned a lot from that guy.”

Piers and his brothers are sorry to be leaving the campus without adequate coffee.

“You can drink coffee at Espwesso if you want to drink poop,” said Clement.

Bennett interjected, “People at my high school and at Piers’ college agree that our coffee is the greatest.”

Pi Cafe, for the time being, will only serve the disappointing sesame tofu wraps made by rival brother trio, the Gracchus-Gibbonses.

“We will continue to make sesame tofu wraps,” said Morton Gracchus-Gibbons ’11. “Please start buying them.”

Ultimately, the absence of Piers and his brothers from campus will hit students—hard.

Upon hearing the news, Becca LaFollette ’14 tried to suppress her rage.

“Now which trio of brothers will furnish my daily Fogbuster™? Where else am I gonna find coffee that is 100 percent organic, 100 percent fair trade, air roasted, and kosher certified?”

Piers and his brothers will return in Fall 2011.