This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Ampersand Interviews Spring Fling Acts


Ampersand: So I understand your shtick is that you musically interpret wave functions that you graph onstage with TI-83s. With all due respect, what the fuck?
Anthony (lead vocals): We all met in Calculus class in high school. We noticed how we’ d each tricked out our graphing calculators, and it was clear to each of us that we were all very passionate about math.
Jefferton (bass): It ended up that we all bought our weed from the same guy too, and things sort of just snowballed from there. You know how it is.
&: What can we expect at the show on Thursday?
Bart (timpani): We’re going to include all the old fan favorites, like “[C1] 2 + [C2] 2.” But we’re also going to branch out into some more experimental material.
Anthony: We’ve got this new jam called “(x+3)” and it’ s been getting a really good response. So we’re definitely gonna drop some of that on your faces.

The Walkmen

&: So let me get this straight. You guys bring Sony Walkmen onstage loaded with cassettes that you randomly picked the night before. You play them into microphones on stage, and that’s your whole act?
Jefferton (the funny chubby one): Yes.
&: Whaaaaaat?

Ghostface Killah & Raekwon

&: So Mr. Killah, you have a ghost for a face. How’s that working out for you?
Ghostface Killah (Ironman): It’s been hard. When I was young, the other kids would constantly give me shit about it, you know, like “Hey, is that a ghost on your face or are you just happy to see me?” But then I learned to control my spectral powers and consume the souls of haters for energy, so that helped a lot.
&: Fascinating. And Raekwon, how have the tentacles you’ve had surgically attached all over your body affected your development as an artist?
Raekwon (Chef): It’s really allowed me to step up my game to unspeakable levels. You have no idea the sort of shit I can pull off. I don’ t want to spoil anything for Thursday, but here’s a hint: not all of the tentacles have suckers on them.
&: And Ghostface, you are also apparently Ironman.
Ghostface: Yeah, I use the armor to get from show to show. Rap is my passion, but I’ve always had a soft spot for using my repulsors to incinerate wrongdoers.
&: One last question. What is The Wu-Tang Secret?
Raekwon: (Rips out interviewer’s heart from chest cavity and eats it)