This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/13/12

ONLINE EXCLUSIVE: Mitt Romney's narc career

Like most other kids on Winter break I was listening to a lot of Eazy-E and pondering infinity or something. I was thinking, ‘where does the internet live?’ and ‘why are there no cities under the ocean?’ and most important of all, ‘why do people shit on Mitt Romney so hard?’ Then I Google’d some bodacious words and learned the whole shitty Mitt story.

Nobody likes him because when he was at the very Mormon college of Bigham Choate University (“Big Chode” for short), Mitt was the campus narc. If you had Mountain Dew or pictures of breasts or CDs or a potato-lightbulb you can guarantee that Mitt had a narc form filled out to Big Chode Safety.

It all started when Mitt and his freshman roommate Young Smith, a foreign exchange student from Laos, got in a huge fight about Mitt’s ridiculous BBW (Big Beautiful Women) fetish after a week of Mitt leaving boxes of tissues and BBW mags in Young’s drawers. Turns out Young loved coffee, a massive Big Chode faux pas. So Mitt called up BCS and reported that shit, thus leaving Young in the wind.

Supposedly (this is solely based on Google research) Mitt got five dollars for reporting it. Mitt had this dream of starting a venture capital firm but Mormon law prohibits applying for loans, as well as being gay. So Mitt started narc’ing on people for beer, sodomy, holding hands, and skateboarding, all the while amassing a huge pile of capital that allowed him to put a down payment on winning the future with Bain Capital, the company that steals old people’s personhoods and gives them to Sports Authority, if I’m not mistaken.

Mitt’s narc’ing is still a huge problem in his campaign, according to campaign authorities, because the habit never came full circle and Mitt still has his feverish BBW fetish. Apparently it tends to get in the way of his debates because of Newt Gingrich’s androgynous, pasty features.

I think we all learned something today, and that is when you start the primary season sixteen months before a presidential election, you’re bound to lose your mind.