The following articles are from an Ampersand issue in 1831 that we found in the Argus archives.
Welcome to another issue of the Ampersand. If you are reading this, then you are one of the 48 students at this suckling infant of academia, Wesleyan University. Methodism hurrah! We are very excited indeed to still be in publication after last week's uproarious but somewhat controversial investigation into the comical oddities of courtship in our modern times. We apologize to anyone who was offended by the phrases “nipple protuberance” and “man milking.” We never meant to insinuate that men and women engaged in fornication, which would of course be illegal. We simply wanted to compare the romantic pursuits of Christians with the mating rituals of animals. Or, in the case of Henry Hawthorne '35, fornication with the school chickens, which no one knew until now. Henry, this is for remarking on the hideous asymmetry of my left and right cheek bones. Now your fowl buggery will not go unnoticed, and I challenge you to a sunrise duel, coward. Moving on, I apologize again to the community for last week. Finally, our theme this week is “The future, the present, and piety.”