An alumni fundraiser fell short of raising any capital whatsoever last week when the Office of Alumni Affairs realized that the University, which was founded this year, has not yet graduated any alumni. “We had planned it rather thoroughly,” explains chairperson William R. Hamilton. “It was to be called the Red & Black Telegramming Society. But whom might we telegram—during supper, of course—when no alumni yet exist?”
The revelation came as a shock to the Office, which immediately disbanded with plans to reopen in 1835. The University desperately requires funds in order to procure a second building, as well as books for the now empty library. In the meantime, Hamilton hopes to devote full attention to the Office of Diversity Prevention.