This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

12/9/09

Our Future, Revealed

Bartholomew Albert Thomas, Wesleyan professor of syllogistic futurism, cordially extends you an invitation to his lecture this Wednesday in North College at eight o’clock in the evening, titled: “2009: Predictions and Inevitabilities.”
Here is a sample of Professor Thomas’ findings:

Man will achieve flight and use the technology to retrieve the Moon from the cosmos and bring it to Earth.

Horse transportation as we know it will be rendered obsolete by zeppelins, dirigibles, balloons, submersibles, and toboggans.

Through advanced command of logic, armies will determine the outcome of battles before they begin, and the victor will be declared without any actual fighting.

The xx and jj will tour the continental United States and the Great West, and in doing so they will win great renown.

Foss Hill will have eroded into nothing more than a gentle declivity.

A globalized oil trade will fundamentally restructure world economic and political dynamics.

To increase efficiency, a single item of clothing that covers the entire body will become fashionable. It will be called a “muumuu.”

Humans will evolve. Eventually children will be born toothless and with hard mouths.

The Byzantine Empire will rise again.