This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Public Safety Incident Report: 1831 Edition

4:12 p.m. P-Safe officers responded to a complaint. The suspect, a young man wearing a double-breasted frock coat over a frilled waistcoat, and Wellington boots, accosted a young lady departing from the looms. He demanded to accompany her at an unseemly distance of two metres all the way to her destination, and she was not carrying a parasol. A man was mistakenly taken into custody but was swiftly released when officers realized that he was wearing Hessian boots with the cuffs turned down, and not, in fact, Wellingtons.

8:37 p.m. A maiden was escorted from Usdan Dining Hall, after numerous grievances were filed by mail. The young lady was convicted of having worn short sleeve gloves, rather than elbow-length. She was promptly condemned to the stocks, crying “Keep Wesleyan weird!”

9:26 a.m. Public Safety responded to an anonymous letter. Officers entered a room which smelled of outlawed smoking herbs, and found that the alarm bell had been covered with an embroidered handkerchief to avoid detection. The Middletown Fire Brigade was notified; all four residents were later stoned.

2:09 p.m. Public Safety responded to a theft. The table was stolen from North College, leaving all students and faculty without anything to place their books and monocles on. A new table was ordered on expedited delivery, which should arrive insix to ten weeks.

6:17 a.m. Public Safety declared the entire campus to be in a state of emergency after a student was overheard using the Lord’s name in vain. The student was escorted from campus and promptly drowned in a lake.