This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

12/9/09

A Contemporary Fashion Guide for the Discerning Young Gentleman

Ask any scholar and he will tell you that if a man’s appearance is not in order, he will be unable to take a wife of fine breeding stock with which to pass on the legacy. To this end, I have compiled a short list of helpful “tips” concerning popular fashions for our modern era. Memorize them, and you’ll be more dapper than Boss Tweed in Tammany Hall!

1. You must have a monocle. Take care, however, that it is suitable for the occasion. A Winchester Metalglass is perfect for hunting excursions with your chums, but would be improper if worn at a ball. For these occasions, I recommend any eyepiece that can easily eject from the eye socket should one be alarmed by a colleague’s untoward remark.

2. Coattails should be no less than a foot in length. Ideally, you should have to hire at least two paupers, vagabonds, or other assorted street urchins to hold them aloft.

3. There is no better sign of a man’s virility and power than an abundance of hair. I remind my younger readers that mutton chops are simple, practical, and stylish. Mustaches, too, are appropriate, if they are thick.

4. Canes are a risky proposition, and depend both on the shoes and the type of outing on which you are embarking. They are appropriate for galas and balls, but never an evening at the opera. Remember that they are absolutely essential if you are to encounter any orphans, as every one of those rapscallions is ripe for a caning.