This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Baby Finds Home in WestCo, Smokes Ganja

Are college students prepared to raise a child? “Why not?” says a group of ambitious WestCo residents who recently adopted a baby from an unspecified country.

“We don’t want to say where Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri Chin-Pa-tel-Kim II ’33 is really from,” explains Atticus Dashiell ’13, P ’33. “Cuz, like, he’s from everywhere—you know?”

The “child of the world” has quickly assimilated to life in WestCo.

“Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri already knows the difference between organic and processed food,” says Kelly Harper ’14, P ’33. “We tried feeding hir a Twinkee the other night, as an experiment, and ze wouldn’t touch it. We’re so proud of hir.”

Other members of the Wesleyan community consider the parent-ing methods of the WesParents rather unorthodox, but the WesParents contend that they have communally decided how best to raise their child.

“I saw Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri smoking a blunt on Foss the other day,” says one Fauver RA. “[Z]e hasn’t even had a birthday.”

Dashiell, on the other hand, contends that Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri is free to “follow hir heart.”

“Furthermore,” Dashiell adds, “ganja helps hir chill out and focus when it’s time for hir Baby Avey Tare.”

Baby Avey Tare is a program developed by WestCo students as an alternative to the popular Baby Mozart series. Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri awarded it a 5.7.

“We don’t want our child to become a mere vessel for vapid pop culture,” says Leonora Hudson ’14, P ’23. “Ze may be only 8 months old, but it’s never too early to learn one very important sentence.”

“Fuck the system,” says Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri Chin-Patel-Kim II ’33.