This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Letter From Louis’s Mom

Dear Wesleyan Office of Admissions staff,

I’m writing this note just to let you all know that the information session I attended was neither informative nor sessionating. My son Louis and I learned not a thing about Wesleyan University. Your WestCo Café looks like it hasn’t served coffee in years. At least there is a space on campus where my son can contract hepatitis with his friends. I tried to ask an admissions officer about what kind of alternative dining options are available, because Louis has a hormone imbalance? And it’s difficult for him to process certain foodstuffs? Instead, the panel took another question from a concerned dad about what happens if his son, who wasn’t even paying attention, wants to have a roommate. I saw that kid staring at his iPhone the whole time, googling things like “vagina farts torrents download.” Great, Louis could be living with a vagina fetishist; I really wonder what kind of students you’re trying to attract here. An institution of higher education should be focused on actual problems, like why Ziploc bags come already closed. I think Louis put it best when, after I asked him what he thought about Wesleyan, he said to me in a text message during your tedious session, “this place [freaking] makes me want to leave already even after just arriving to it.” Rest assured that you did help us make our decision, re: Louis’s college search. I didn’t really want to send him to an all-girls’ school anyway.

—Louis’s Mom