This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/1/11

Letter From Louis’s Mom

Dear Wesleyan Office of Admissions staff,

I’m writing this note just to let you all know that the information session I attended was neither informative nor sessionating. My son Louis and I learned not a thing about Wesleyan University. Your WestCo Café looks like it hasn’t served coffee in years. At least there is a space on campus where my son can contract hepatitis with his friends. I tried to ask an admissions officer about what kind of alternative dining options are available, because Louis has a hormone imbalance? And it’s difficult for him to process certain foodstuffs? Instead, the panel took another question from a concerned dad about what happens if his son, who wasn’t even paying attention, wants to have a roommate. I saw that kid staring at his iPhone the whole time, googling things like “vagina farts torrents download.” Great, Louis could be living with a vagina fetishist; I really wonder what kind of students you’re trying to attract here. An institution of higher education should be focused on actual problems, like why Ziploc bags come already closed. I think Louis put it best when, after I asked him what he thought about Wesleyan, he said to me in a text message during your tedious session, “this place [freaking] makes me want to leave already even after just arriving to it.” Rest assured that you did help us make our decision, re: Louis’s college search. I didn’t really want to send him to an all-girls’ school anyway.

—Louis’s Mom