This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


International Student Wakes on Wrong Side of Bed

Amelia Bedelia ’15, an international student hailing from Not America, woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

“This country is fucked,” Bedelia said after the incident. “Am I losing my marbles? No, wait, they’re in my other pants.”

Bedila reportedly woke upon the wrong side of the bed at approximately 4:15 a.m. She suffered minor bruising and immediately sought out her Residential Advisor, Lucy Britt, ’14. Britt told her not to “cry over spilt milk” and went back to sleep.

“I just don’t know what is going on anymore,” Bedelia said. “In my country, spilling milk would be not only a waste, but a dishonor to my entire family. And what does that have to do with my fractured nose?”

During the few weeks that she has been in America, Bedelia’s eccentricities have led to minor altercations. During International Student Orientation (ISO), she allegedly released a rabid cat in her Nicholson dormitory.

“I mean sure, I let my cat out of the bag during ISO, but the poor thing was in a bag. Have you ever spent eight hours in a bag on a trans-Atlantic flight? I didn’t think so.”

According to friends, Bedelia is adjusting with difficulty.

“She’s starting to lose it a little, struggling to deal with jet-lag and with foreign idioms,” said her roommate Millicent Herf ’15. “But I think she’s a good fit. I mean, she’s going through a linguistic crisis, but at
this stage in the game, the ball is totally in her court.”

As a result of her friends’ support, Bedelia seems to slowly be getting a grip on life at Wesleyan.
“I’m learning a lot,” Bedelia said. “I stopped jumping guns and touching the bases at Andrus. Plus I haven’t bitten the hands of any Usdan staff this week.”

Added Bedelia, holding onto her second floor balcony, “I think I just may be getting the hang of this.”