This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


War with Russia Would Be “Exactly Like A Video Game,” Says Professor

According to Government Professor Richard Price, a war between the United States of America and the Russian Federation would play out exactly like a video game.

“Basically, we’d be up Shit Creek,” Price explained.

Price has never actually been to Russia, but he is able to claim many hours of “extensive internet research” and Call of Duty to support his assertions.

“These games are based on literally hours of research, so it’s safe to assume that what they portray could really happen, like when you chase that guy over a waterfall in a dinghy,” said Price.

Price is dubious about the United States’ fate should such a conflict materialize. He acknowledges the superiority of America’s military power and estimates about two months between the start of the conflict and reaching the Kremlin. And that’s when things get tricky.

“At that point,” he explained, “the only thing standing between us and victory is the one thing that can defeat us: Putin.”

Citing the Russian prime minister’s propensity for being portrayed “like a Bond villain” and the fact that he is the only world leader with his own judo move, Price postulated that Vladimir Putin could very well be the final boss that eats away all of the United States’ quarters, figuratively and literally.

“He’d be like the final boss of Killzone 2 but, like, times a hundred,” warned Price. “Teleporting all over the place and using a knife, then whipping out a huge gun that deals massive damage. I could see him easily exhausting our war effort right when we’ve made it to the finish line. And this is all assuming he doesn’t have cybernetic augmentations by this point.”

Price noted that the deciding factor of the war will be whether or not the Japanese are ultimately persuaded to fight alongside us.

“If we could enlist their mecha battalions and legions of pretty-boy swordsmen, we might be able to turn the tide and defeat Putin,” Price said. “But even then, it’s up in the air.”