This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/15/11

DTF-BDSM-GTFO Tables in Usdan

A new student group, the Digital Technology Front Bad Dialup Speeds Must Go Task Force Organization, is tabling in support of an unlikely cause: ethernet awareness. DTF-BDSM-GTFO is targeting Wesleyan’s small but prominent minority of students who do not know what ethernet cables are or understand how they work.

“Are you aware that you can plug a fucking wire into your computer and double your connection speed?” reads a glossy pamphlet distributed by the group. “Seriously. Buy one for four dollars online.”

The campaign comes on the heels of a recent Pew Research Center study on internet competency, which revealed that the number of Americans able to identify the ethernet port on their computers is smaller than the number who use ether recreationally.

According to another pamphlet, DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s other project is a fundraiser to send ethernet cables to Egypt “in order to assist our Coptic brothers in Tahrir Square in building their new regime and accessing Biblical scholarship and pornography.”

But the group does not want the Internet revolution to go overboard.

“We want the Egyptians to have Internet, but not at the expense of the cultural and social norms of the Suez region,” said Pastor/Rabbi Tavid Birkenstock, a sabbath-observing DTF-BDSM-GTFO coordinator. “We’ll make sure to let them know about Day of Unplugging, which will protect their way of life from Western colonial e-hegemony.”

DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s campaigns, on campus and abroad, are informed by a view of the Internet as an end-time vehicle for the period of simultaneous transglobal strife and unity prescribed by the Book of Revelations as the necessary precondition for the arrival of the antichrist and the subsequent Second Coming on Judgment Day, when the gates of Heaven and Hell will stand open to the host of the saved and the horde of the condemned, respectively.

“Also,” said Birkenstock, “note that our witty and eye-catching acronym can be read as a short narrative about a frustrated fetishist attempting to solicit cyber-sex at an e-brothel.”