This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Unplugged Leads to Unplugging

Friday’s campus-wide Day of Unplugging event, dedicated to fostering an environment free from cell phones, social media, and other modern values, spurred many to participate. The initiative’s head coordinator, Jeff Lindy ’11, admitted that some aspects of Unplugged were easier to plan than others.

“Getting students to forego bathing was easy,” Lindy said, noting that many students already display little regard for personal hygiene. “But inflicting the student body with polio and smallpox was pretty tough. There’s a lot of government red tape involving that kind of stuff.”

Although over 800 students pledged not to watch YouTube videos, eat with utensils, masturbate, or adhere to a Copernican view of the universe, Unplugged’s coordinators claim that they could have rallied more participation had the word about the event been spread more efficiently.

“No one checked their email for the reminder, and it was too expensive to enlist the fleet of carrier pigeons we had hoped for,” Lindy lamented.

In the days prior to the event, the Unplugged coordinators’ email accounts were also flooded with nude photos.

“People were mixing us up with Unlocked,” said Lindy. “But it looked like a lot of the aspiring models had already pledged to give up showering, and that was pretty exciting in itself.”

Unplugged saved over 5,000 watts of electricity, averted nearly 900 text messages, interfered with two JDate meetups, prevented at least one incidence of penis chafing, and facilitated several face-to-face conversations.

The group’s next move?

“We’ve been meeting with President Roth, discussing the current internet speed,” said Lindy. “We’re trying to keep it so slow that people will give up on using their computers. So far it’s been working.”