This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Freshmen Named ‘Irene’ Bunker Down For Orientation

Though Wesleyan’s campus made it through the recent hurricane’s landfall relatively unscathed, a new storm gathers on the horizon for three particularly unlucky individuals: Irene Hunter ‘15, Irene Fitzpatrick-Goldberg ‘15, and Irene Reindon ‘15, who share the massive tropical storm’s name.

“It’s a disaster,” said Hunter. “Why did this have to happen to us? It’s sad some people got wet or whatever, but when I saw the name on TV I cried buckets.”

Hunter hails from Florida and had been looking forward to a crisp New England autumn.

“She’s been so irritable,” confided Irene Hunter’s mother. “She stomps around the house, yelling and throwing things. Irene’s always had a temper. Very tempestuous child. Lately when she comes into a room we take shelter. It’s about time she moved on to a new place.”

Fitzpatrick-Goldberg, however, has tried to assume a newly sunny attitude.

“Sure, I avoid saying my name when people meet me. I try to steer clear of the subject. Asking people about their hobbies or their friends from high school usually works.”

Her personalized towels and stationary are securely stowed under her bed, and instead of a name, she drew a Sharpie self-portrait on her nametag.

Fitzpatrick-Goldberg plans to study Environmental Studies and is considering a career in disaster management. She hopes the recent trauma will serve as a mnemonic device for professors.

“Everything will be fine!” she said. “We’ll get through it!”

Irene Reindon said little when asked about the subject and seemed at a loss. “I’m just trying to get by,” she said. “It’ll all blow over soon.”