This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Get Yo Shit Straight, Son: Tips for Freshmen

Let’s face it: coming to college for the first time is scary. You’re in a completely unfamiliar environment, surrounded by copious amounts of illegal intoxicants and hypersexualized adolescents who want nothing more than for you to end up passed out naked in a bathroom on the other side of campus from your dorm, and on top of that, there’s something called “dubstep” that’s permeated the entire school and you’ll have to familiarize yourself with it if you want anything resembling a fulfilling social life.

Thankfully, the Ampersand is committed to easing your transition from a hedonistic, upper middle class suburban lifestyle to that of a hedonistic, upper middle class student who wants to challenge traditional notions of gender by banging everybody. That’s why we’re here to give you the straight dope on college life and talk about everything they’re too scared to discuss in orientation.
  • Milwaukee’s Best isn’t really the best Milwaukee has to offer. Sad, but true.
  • If there’s a naked person in your bed, and you don’t remember how they got there, high five! Them or us, it doesn’t really matter.
  • You may, on some of your late night jaunts, encounter what appears to be a gigantic spider. Don’t be alarmed, because this is in fact Claudius, Wesleyan’s resident giant spider and unofficial mascot. Feel free to take one of the gift baskets he offers you. If he doesn’t offer you any gift baskets but instead starts jabbering indecipherably, then you probably shouldn’t have taken those ‘shrooms from that guy at Eclectic, dude.
  • Should the worst come to pass and you actually do end up naked in a bathroom across campus from your dorm, don’t panic. Wesleyan is notorious for having a naked dorm, and that’s probably the one you’re in right now, so no worries. Strut your stuff and ignore the revolted glances. They’re just going through the inevitable adjustment period.
  • Seriously, research dubstep. Otherwise, good luck making friends. Here’s hoping you’re a fan of standing in the corner at parties and wondering to yourself about which programming language is best, NERD.