In response to what He has called a “campaign of slander and sedition,” God wreaked several retaliations upon the staff of the university’s Ampersand humor page this August,the impacts of which were widely felt on both sides of the Atlantic.
“While merited, we feel His response to be overzealous,” said university Public Safety Director David Meyer. “A swath of innocents paid the price for the dereliction of these few persons. Ten-year-old Sammy Smythe, who was killed by Hurricane Irene; Chavis 'Chip' Nottingham, who was trampled and bludgeoned during the London riots: these, among others, are folks who shouldn’t have had to die.”
The first signs of God’s furious discontent were riots throughout the suburbs of London, intended in part to harm Ampersand editor Piers Gelly ’13 at his London home. Unbeknownst to God, whose omniscience is trumped by omnipotence, Gelly had already departed, and the rioters began to loot electronics and valuable clothes in their frustration.
“‘E wos rippin’ on the BigMan, innit?” said Chester “Chug” Blightly of Clapham. “Bob-an’-a-wink, got me new telly an’ some Beats [by Dr. Dre], roight?”
Religion and weather scientists agree that both the 5.8 magnitude earthquake on August 23 andHurricane Irene were God’s further efforts to undo the Ampersand.
In a Sunday message from His spokeswoman Athena Cro-Magnon Bodhisattva at His embassy at the top of MountOlympus, God stated, “I’m really sick of those guys ragging on Jesus.”
God has plagued Ampersand staff members nationwide. High-Rise room 404, occupied by Gelly and writer Benjamin Soloway ’13, was forcibly annexed by the city of Atlanta, who claimed that the floorspace of the room was theirs by dint of its number, which is the same as their telephone area code.
“This is a simultaneously symbolic and pragmatic addition to our Greater Metropolitan Area,” said an aide from the mayor’s office.
Editor Zach Schonfeld ’13 has been cursed to walk the earth, haunting presidential birthplaces and liveblogging his thoughts.
“For too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died,” Schonfeld wrote on his blog. “I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh. You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You’re in one.”
The city of Boise, Idaho, plans to evict writer Keelin Q.Ryan ’14, whom they believe to be a Jonah.
“All of the accidents that happen here are her fault,”said city council alderman Mick Beep. “Literally all of them.”
The Ampersand released a statement expressing neither sympathy nor empathy for the victims of God’s ministries.
Commenting from the gutted interior of a Carphone Warehouse in Hampstead, Chug Blightly observed, “Not so funny now when you lookin’ it up close, eh bruv? The Big Man’s gonna do it.”